Novitiate Rants

soon i will rise from this tomb of cynicism

a friend and i were catching up after a long time away. she asked me how mission year changed me and i responded, “it didnt really”. well part of that is true, but part of it is not.

what i wished i would have said, is that mission year was a great time to do a lot of the things that God had been changing in my heart. (that was the non changing aspect of the year) i was able to exercise a lot of beliefs and refine them. but also i was changed, of course, change happens, so in that sense, i was changed. learned a lot, grew a lot, you know, that ol’ chestnut.

the point is now i am back. back here in this same situation and my heart is hard again. in mission year i was able to live in a situation i found brought life out of me, one that aided my heart in the act of living. lately i find myself doubting God’s goodness or ability to effect change, the sincerity of believers, and just generally being cynical and unloving.

its shown up in a number of situations where my gut reaction is hopelessness. which is, i think, counter intuitive to my situation.

i have comfort, a house, food, people around, yes. then why is it that i am only filled with hope while surrounded by the visible poverty of the streets. after coming back from Kolkata, i was so hopeful driving around UC’s campus, looking at all the young college kids, dreaming what their lives will unfold. now all i see when i see young white college kids is their privilege and subsequent misuse of it to gain shit for themselves that they dont need, will not bring them joy, and damages the world.

what an unfair judgment to make. i do not know how much longer i can live here. by the grace of God i will be done with school by mid fall. but more important is finishing this semester, then i can look again at what i need to do, and where and how i need to live. i just know i have never been good at life like this and never will be.

wincingly hopeful,

chris smyth

1 Comment so far
Leave a comment